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I am Jason’s sore gluteus maximus. Brief explanation: three hockey games + one night = many painful body parts the next day. It is this pain in my butt that got me thinking …

If you have not been paying attention, George Bush is the President. No, not the one that started the Persian Gulf War or made famous the infamous “wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture,” line. This would be his son, George “W” Bush – you know, the one also fighting a war in Iraq. (Note to the reader: if this is all new to you, “Welcome to 2004! Glad you finally pulled out of that coma.”)

This is an election year and MTV is telling us to rock the vote. A glorious idea assuming there is anybody worth voting for. Let me help dissect the two major candidates. First up, G.W.B., (remember him from the paragraph above?) our current dic…tat…err…President.

The war on terror, 9/11, happened on his watch and he responded with swift retribution. Three years later and the alleged mastermind are still at large. Enter the USA Patriot Act (A.R. 3162) – a.k.a. – Big Brother is watching and the paranoia creeps in. Security is the buzzword of the day, National Security. Post 9/11 travel becomes a nightmare if your two-part, electric toothbrush looks like the butt end of a gun (this actually happened to a friend). Do we feel more secure because there are 100,000 more TSA agents checking luggage getting paid $9.75 an hour?

Saddam “Insane” and his W.M.D. (Weapons of Mass Destruction) must go. Yes, I know the man was a nutcase, but why did we have to be so gung-ho and lead the charge? Saddam’s weapons could never reach US soil and were not an immediate (if ever) threat. See the Gulf War, Patriot missile vs. the SCUD missile.

Maybe a particular special interest group (old, white, rich, oil baron bastards) said our oil was going down in value and now this Iraqi ruler is hording his stash forcing us to pay extremely too much for gas. Idea: Drop the Hummer or SUV. His oil fields must dry up before we tap our own resources.

Personally I believe he wanted to finish what his Papa started. We caught the bugger cowering in a hole, looking like a local homeless person. Minor issue, there are still American soldiers dying in Iraq. Roger Waters once sang, “Bring the boys back home,” and I think it is time to do just that. We liberated the oppressed nation and captured the bad guy, got the power-up and HI-SCORE, game over scenario. Let them pick their own leadership; they have to live there after all.

As for jobs or lack thereof: Jobs are being shipped overseas because it is cheaper to pay someone in India or Indonesia. Even the original sweatshop country, China, is losing out to these lower wage countries. The current administration has put in-house US issues on the back burner. The US is spending hundreds of millions on war and there are folks here without money, a job, or a roof over their head. Why are we ignoring our own? Maybe the President does not care about the poor and uneducated. No, that thought would never cross his mind. Then again most of them do not vote.

Speaking of votes and how not to garner them, G.W.B. wants to make an amendment outlawing same sex marriages. Well, that really won’t make him a likable fellow to the Rainbow Nation. Sure the bible-thumping Christians just love this, but I believe the gay community is larger than the President thinks. What is wrong with people that care for each other getting married? Taboo and the bible strictly forbid it…the bible, a religious doctrine, influencing the President. Is there not a conflicting issue between church and state? George W. must think he is a messenger of God sent here to rid the world of tyranny and non-Christian things, ie. Muslims, individualists, W.M.D.’s, homosexuals, etc. Down with the “Rag-heads and Fags,” should be his new campaign slogan.

Now I am sure that a lot of you are thinking “Man, this guy really hates George W. Bush.” Guess what, you would be correct, but I am an equal opportunity abuser. And now I have Senator John Kerry, the Democratic candidate, in my sights. Please stand by for my next post, the bashing…err…critique of Senator John Kerry.

Rule number two about m0nkey:
We do not talk about m0nk3y.

(I liked Fight Club, so bite me)

And so it begins, the strange twists through the long corridors of diseased mind. Poised on the edge of pyschosis and locked in a moment of monumental catastrophe. So I have a flair for the dramatic, again, bite me.

And I know that this is actually post #2, but this a better entrance for such a cherished scoundrel.

Question: What would the Internet be without m0nk3y?

Answer: One less counterproductive web site about absoultely nothing to waste your time.

You are here, and I apologize for not marking it with a red f***ing dot.

You must have come here for a reason; but it is mainly because you are a subhuman serving to the higher powers that be. Seeing that only I hold the infinite knowledge to the universe, you have come for my wealth of intellect in hopes of gaining something to save your meaningless existence.

I was just told by management that I am being too preachy.

Hmmm ... I am Jack's leaky appendage. I am the world's hate. I am light's constant darkness. I am the glitter on a stripper's nipple at 2AM pining away to nothingness.

Memo to management: You are ill-tempered, small minded, stump jumping, kamikaze c*cksuckers.